Yesterday AM I ran my longest run ever, 15 miles.  I felt great the whole time, and even during the last 4 or so miles I felt like I was getting a second wind.  It took me a little longer than I expected, so for a moment I was mad at myself for not going faster.  But then I had to let up on myself - I just ran fifteen freaking miles - most people travel that distance only by car and occasionally by bike.  I am amazed at how far I have come lately and am looking more and more forward to running my first of what I'm sure will be many more marathons to come :)

That's really about it for now - today I am not hurting as badly as I thought I would, which is a good thing! 

Trading Skinny for Strong

"When I started running, I weighed about 120 lbs., not an unhealthy weight for a 5'4" woman.  Through training and eating a healthier diet, my weight dropped to 103.  This wasn't by design, but once I got there, I didn't want to go back up.  I suffered a lot of injuries back then and had no strength to speak of other than in my calf muscles.  I was just skinny.
Since then, I became involved in climbing and strength training, and my weight went up while my body fat decreased.  I'm actually a size smaller than I was as an unfit teenager who weighed 5 lbs. less.  
I don't focus too much on weight, though I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there is a certain threshhold that causes me a bit of concern--I start training a bit more and watching the junk food--but I realize that to be 103 lbs. woudl mean that I would have to get rid of some shoulder, back , and arm muscles, and I don't want to do that.  Besides, I feel better and healthier that I did as a superlightweight."  
-Kristi Karlson (excerpt from The Complete Book of Running for Women)

I just got the above book and for some reason this excerpt resonated with me.  When my weight was down to around 110-112, I had injuries that would not go away.  I remember getting sick 4 times in a 2 month period.  I thought I was being "healthy" but really, I was overworking my body and I had zero energy.  I had alienated friends & family and was living in a calorie-obsessed, gym-driven world.  And for awhile, I had refused to see it and just thought I was superior to others because I had "willpower" and "dedication." 

Fast forward around a year to a year-and-a-half later.  I have been lifting more in the past few months (2-3 times per week for an hour or so w/heavier weights instead of 1-2 times a week for around 20 min w/light weights) and I really notice a difference.  I am looking much more toned.  But not only that, I have been feeling so strong.  This morning I was lifting weights and it just felt so good to be doing bicep curls/rows/bench etc. with the weights I was doing, and then I definitely noticed a musclehead or three who kept looking at me.  (I usually get either guys looking at me like, "Hey, that's hot" or like "Um, wow this girl's kind of scary...")  And then my running has improved so much since gaining some weight - weight that is mostly muscle but yeah, some fat due to my crappy days dealing with the break-up.  Yeah, I won't lie, there is a number on the scale that gives me concern but that means it's just time to cut back on junk & workout/run extra time or another mile or two.  So I suppose a tiny bit of extra fat, as evil as our society portrays it to be, is necessary for optimum performance (at least for most)...

I have been binge-free over a week now and I'm hoping to continue the streak.  Lately the binges had gotten down to 1-2 times per week instead of the 3-4 like they had gotten in late 2006-early 2007.  I'm slowly teaching myself to care less about food, and when I have "the feeling" (i.e., I want to go stuff my face in the kitchen) to stop myself and go do other things, but not to deny myself to the point where I'm driven to binge.  I'm slowly regaining my old discipline, but not to the unhealthy extreme that I had taken it.  I am still working on the balance between the 172-lb. me and the 110-lb. me. 

Admittedly, I still have a long way to go before I meet anyone's definition of "fat" ever again (except maybe a fashion designer or some models' which - who cares about them), and my last-year's self would probably consider my this-year's self fat, but I have been happier than I have been in ages.  I am learning, day-by-day, to not measure my beauty by a number on the scale or how many calories I did (or didn't) consume that day, but by how strong I feel after lifting weights, how accomplished I feel after a good long run or fast tempo run, how stretched and relaxed I feel after a pilates or yoga class.  And to me, those feelings of strength, accomplishment, and relaxation are what contributes to my happiness and what makes me want to keep the strong me over the skinny me...forever. 

Finally, I am feeling like the person I once was before the weight melted off and morphed into an obsession that was heading down a dangerous path.  

Finally, I can say with certainty that I am happy and healthy. 

Ran in 2 5Ks this weekend - both went well.

First one was a HUGE race & the start line was not very organized; consequently I spent the first 2 minutes or so just trying to dodge walkers.  Finished in 24:42 - ehhhh.  But it was for a good cause - breast cancer.  My grandmother is a survivor so I felt good that I at least got to run in honor of her. 

Today 's 5K was really small - my law school's annual fundraiser.  Maybe 30 people showed up - I don't know why they still do it, instead of doing something else where more people might show up or care - but whatever.  I had a personal best of 22:21, and ended up being the top female finisher, #6 overall.  This was pretty good for me, considering (1.)  That morning I was having major stomach issues, (2.) I'd run a 5K the day before & was a little sore; and (3.) was tired from daylight savings & just general lack of sleep the night before.  

Still, I was proud of my first "win," and I guess that makes me unofficially the "fastest" girl in school - but I know for a fact that there are people in school who could've run it faster than me - such as one girl who does a lot of local races w/1000s of people & wins them - but they just didn't get their butts out of bed today.  The whole time I did feel like I was going incredibly fast, especially up this one hill where eveyrone else was slowing to walking or near walking, and then especially towards the end.  I finished a bit winded & sore, but I recovered quickly.  In fact, after resting a bit & the "crowd" disbursed, I ended up going for an easy 4-mile recovery run. 

I have come to the conclusion that I really don't like 5Ks - they're over before they start.  And I end up pushing myself so hard that by the end I'm so exhausted and want to puke.  10Ks are better, but I really liked the 10-miler - just enough to feel like a good amount time & you are accomplishing a good distance, but not so hard that you're completely drained.  Unfortunately 5Ks are super popular and 10-milers are not - I've got 1 more 5K scheduled this month.  Then I'm going to focus this summer on building & maintaining a good solid base (I'm back up to an average of 25 miles a week again, but would like to get to 30-35), then will try for a fall marathon...can't wait! 

Personal best in a 10K race this morning - woohoo!

More later - had a bad day Thursday which basically erased any progress I made this past week.  I did avoid a major craving I had earlier today, so that's a start.  

New goal - which I will make - is to be back to my pre-ex weight by graduation in May.  I have done this many times before so I'm not worried. 

For the first time in months, I feel happy again.  I did not realize how badly I was doing until I finally stepped away from my ex.  He was not good for me.  I enjoy my alone time and being able to just tell him to shove it.  For roughly 6-7 months, I hadn't been sleeping well and was binging at minimum 2-3 times per week when for the past 2 years binges were usually only a once a month or once every two month thing.  I was also drinking more than usual, and not exercising as much as I normally did.  If I'd stopped exercising at all, I'm sure the weight gain would've been infinitely worse.  Once again, emotional eating at its finest. 

He was not worth a damn ounce of those ten fucking pounds I gained over him.  Who am I kidding?  Ten pounds is a lot.  I look at myself in the mirror lately and I'm not happy with how I look.  I miss being smaller.   I miss when I was super-healthy and in control.  At this point I'd be content to lose just a couple of pounds, but 8-10 would be optimal.   I know how to handle & control myself - I did it for 2 years - so it's just a matter of mind over body.  I am already off to a good start with keeping the control up, but not beating myself up too badly over it. 

So now it's time to lose the damn weight, get cute, think positive, and someday find someone who gives a shit about me because he sure didn't. 

New Year's Resolutions: 

1.  Run a marathon.  (Which means running/eating smart & staying injury free).  I will be happy if I go under 5 hours. 

2.  Lose 5 lbs. by late Feb. (so my pants are comfortable again), but eat healthy carbs & proteins to fuel my runs. 

3.  Quit the sugar, processed, caffeine, and packaged food dependency -- it makes my runs crappy.  (Refer back to 1&2.)  

4.  Tone up.  (Keep up the yoga, pilates, and strength training work -- yoga 1 x wk, pilates 2x wk, toning 2x wk)

5.  Pass the bar. (Not hard)

6.  Get a job.  (Getting nervous about that -- everyone I know seems to be having difficulty)

I've made a jump start on eating -- threw away ALL chocolate in the house today. (Of course, this was after a horrid binge.) I am so sick of how I feel after I eat it that it's just not worth the taste anymore.  I went to the store and I bought NO crap -- no sweets, chips, etc.  The only thing that remotely qualifies is yogurt or perhaps ginger ale (my tummy's been hating me today of course & it helps).  

Hopefully I'll be updating a lot here on my progress!